


Confessions

by blk0912



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Barson, Barsonoah, F/M, mentions of tuckson
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:21:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25299067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blk0912/pseuds/blk0912
Summary: My fix for "Manhattan Transfer". After Rafael throws Olivia out of his office, they both have some confessions to make.
Relationships: Noah Porter Benson & Olivia Benson, Rafael Barba & Noah Porter Benson, Rafael Barba/Olivia Benson
Comments: 9
Kudos: 64





	Confessions

**Author's Note:**

> Rafael's "You and I are done talking" line has been stuck in my head for days and this is the result. I was trying to work on Trivia Night and At Last, but this idea wouldn't leave alone, so I wrote it. 
> 
> I haven't watched "Manhattan Transfer" in a while, so some things may be out of order, but it worked for the story, so I kept them as is. 
> 
> Also, I attempted to look up information on the NY bar exam, but couldn't find a lot of clear information on scores, so I just went with vague mentions. Hopefully it's not too far off. 
> 
> Anyway, hope you all enjoy :)

* * *

“You and I are done talking.”

Olivia watched as Rafael’s eyes hardened and his jaw tightened, and for the first time in forever, she had no idea what he was thinking or feeling. The man who had become her best friend was now throwing her out of his office.

“Rafael-” She began, only to have him shake his head at her and walk over to open the door.

“ _Goodnight, Lieutenant_ ,” he said tersely.

Holding back tears, Olivia walked through the door and out of Rafael’s office. She heard it shut behind her and tried to block out the truth about why he was so upset when he found out she had been seeing Tucker. She had planned on working late, so Lucy was with Noah, and she suddenly felt like she had nowhere to go. Tucker didn’t care for Rafael and she knew all he would do is use the opportunity to say bad things about him.

* * *

When Olivia called him for drinks, Fin knew something was wrong. Not that they never went out for drinks, but her usual partner of choice was Rafael. And she had sounded upset on the phone. She’d done her best to hide it, but he’d known her for over fifteen years. He knew when she was upset. The only who knew her better was probably Rafael, but something must have happened between them for her to be so shaken up. As he watched her order her second glass of wine, he knew he needed to get her to talk.

“Liv, what’s goin’ on?” he asked.

“Rafael threw me out of his office,” she admitted, looking down into her glass. “He was…upset…with me.”

“About what?”

Olivia shrugged and took a sip of her wine. “He found out that Ed Tucker and I have been…seeing…each other.”

Fin raised an eyebrow at his friend. He’d suspected something was going on, but he would have guessed Olivia would have kicked Tucker’s ass before agreeing to go out on a date with him, let alone see him romantically.

“Don’t give me that look,” Olivia said, her irritation growing. “He’s a good cop, and he’s not as bad as everyone makes him out to be.”

Fin resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “That don’t mean he’s right for you.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Liv, this guy arrested you multiple times, has made things at SVU hell for pretty much all of us at one point or another. There’s more than one way to go about ‘doing your job’ and his way is shitty. Good cops, good _guys_ , they don’t act like that.”

“He’s _interested_ in me, Fin. It’s been a while since I’ve felt like someone was really _interested_ in me.”

This time Fin did roll his eyes. “You and I both know that’s a lie.”

Olivia scowled at him. “I didn’t call you here to scold me, Fin.”

“I’m just bein’ honest. You deserve more than just ‘not as bad as everyone makes him out to be’, Liv.”

“I’m a single mother in my late forties. Do you really think guys are just lining up to be with me?”

“So, what, you’re just going to _settle_ so you don’t have to risk your heart? The guy you end up with should love you _and_ your son. When’s the last time the _three_ of you did something instead of leaving Noah with a babysitter? How does he feel about Saturday mornings in the park and lazy Sunday mornings? How does he react when Noah gets upset? I’ve seen Tucker with Noah, and I have to say, Liv, the guy didn’t look like he wanted much to do with him.”

“Ed does just fine with Noah.”

“Would you trust him to take care of him if you couldn’t?”

Olivia opened her mouth to respond, but then promptly shut it. She knew the answer was no. Ed liked Noah well enough, and Noah seemed to be okay with him, but she wasn’t sure he could handle Noah on his own. He seemed to get irritated when Noah got upset about something.

“Liv, you know I want you to be happy. You and I have always been honest with each other, even if we piss each other off in the process. So I’m bein’ honest. Ed Tucker isn’t the guy for you.”

“Then who is?” Olivia nearly spat, running her hands through her hair in frustration.

“I think you and I both know the answer to that.”

Olivia looked over at him in confusion.

“You really don’t see it, do you? Or you don’t want to.”

“See _what_ , Fin?”

“Liv, let me ask you somethin’. Besides me, who has been by your side through everything that’s happened in the last few years? Who has fought like hell to get justice for you, to protect you?”

Olivia was silent, but Fin knew who she was thinking of. So he decided to let her in on something the man in question had asked him not to tell her.

“The day you got held hostage in that townhouse, Barba called me to see if you had gotten pulled into a meeting or if I knew where you were because you hadn’t met him when you said you would and you didn’t text or call him to let him know you’d be late. Tucker had no idea what was going on until _you_ told your captors to call him. Also, it was Barba who kept in contact with Lucy, made sure Noah was safe and wouldn’t worry.”

Olivia felt tears well in her eyes. She hadn’t even thought about how Lucy knew to stay late, to keep Noah occupied.

“I need to go,” she said suddenly, taking some money out of her purse to pay for her drinks and then giving Fin a quick hug before leaving the bar.

* * *

“Olivia, it’s late, what is this about?” Tucker asked as he opened the door to his apartment.

Olivia took the two tickets to Paris that he had given her out of her purse and held them out to him.

“I’m sorry, Ed, but Noah and I can’t go to Paris with you. I’m glad that I got to know another side to you, but this, you and me being together, isn’t going to work. Noah and I are a package deal, and I can’t be with someone he isn’t comfortable with. Sometimes it feels like you tolerate him, and only barely, because he’s my son. The person I choose to be with needs to love us _both_ , individually and as a unit, and someone I could see myself co-parenting with. Because the person I’m with needs to understand that it’s a definite possibility that Noah could come to see them as a father. I’m not ready to retire, either, and the person I’m with needs to understand my dedication to SVU. And the truth is, that person has been by my side this entire time…and has had my heart for a while now.”

Tucker took the tickets from Olivia. “I’m sorry you feel that way. I really thought we had something good going here.”

Olivia sighed. “Maybe we could have, if things were different. But they’re not. It’s not fair to any of us to keep up the deception.”

Tucker simply nodded. “Goodbye, Olivia.”

“Goodbye, Ed,” Olivia said, giving him an apologetic smile before turning and walking out the door.

* * *

“You seriously threw her out?” Rita asked, sitting across from Rafael in his office. When Olivia had called Fin, she had gone to find Rafael and made him tell her what had happened.

Rafael shrugged and took a sip of his scotch.

“How far gone are you?” she asked with a sigh.

Rafael let out a humorless laugh. “All the fucking way.”

“What are you going to do, then?”

Rafael shrugged again, taking another sip of his scotch. “Ask for a transfer to a different area? I don’t fucking know. I just can’t stand to see her with _Tucker_ of all people. Apparently the way to Olivia Benson’s heart is to be a fucking idiot asshole cop. Or be an equally fucking idiotic Executive ADA who chooses his job over her.”

Rita rolled her eyes. “You basically _are_ the Executive ADA around here. I don’t think there’s anyone McCoy trusts more.”

Rafael tipped his glass toward her. “Would be nice to have the title and the pay that goes with it.”

“I could dig up some dirt on McCoy. You know he slept with half the female ADAs back in the day.”

Rafael let out a genuine laugh at this. He knew his friend would do just that if he gave her the go-ahead. She was annoyingly good at getting information out of people. “You just want to see the look on McCoy’s face when you agree to come back to the DA’s office because _I_ asked you to.”

Rita shrugged. “You’re not wrong.”

Rafael studied his friend closely. “Would you _actually_ come back?”

Rita sighed and shrugged again. “Honestly? I’ve been thinking about it. I keep getting looked over for partner and starting my own firm, while a possibility, isn’t something I’m sure I want to do. Some of the cases that I’ve been given lately have been questionable at best and I think the senior partners are doing it on purpose. The son of one of them just graduated from law school and thinks he’s this big hot shot because he scored in the top half of his class on the bar exam.”

Rafael rolled his eyes. “Is that what merits praise these days?”

Rita smirked at him. “Yes, well, we can’t all get full scholarships to Harvard and then proceed to score in the top five percent of his class on both the LSAT and the bar exam.”

Rafael raised an eyebrow at her. “Says the one who didn’t score much less than me on either test.”

“My brain hurts just thinking about the amount of time we spent studying for those.”

“Mm. Well, at least you didn’t have the extra stress of a scholarship to worry about.”

“No, just my parents’ pressure.”

Rafael tipped his glass at her again. “Point taken.”

* * *

“Mommy!” Noah said excitedly when he saw Olivia walk into the apartment.

“Thanks for staying late,” Olivia said to Lucy as she hugged her son.

“No problem. We had enough time to watch a second movie, right, Noah?”

“Yes!” Noah replied with a grin.

“I’ll see you in a couple of days, buddy,” Lucy said, returning her little friend’s smile before ruffling his hair and walking out the door.

“Rafa?” Noah asked his mother once Lucy had left.

“What about him, sweet boy?”

“See Rafa.”

“Rafa isn’t coming over, sweetheart. He’s busy.”

Noah’s face fell and Olivia wondered when he had gotten so attached to the lawyer. Hugging him close, she rubbed his back in an effort to soothe him.

“Want Rafa,” Noah cried. “He promised.”

“Promised what, sweet boy?”

“Read story.”

Olivia thought back to the last time Rafael and Noah had seen each other and vaguely remembered him promising to read the boy a story another night because he had to get home as he had court right away in the morning. Noah was the type of child who didn’t let people forget things they’d told him. She doubted he would answer her call, but she would try for Noah. When she heard his voicemail pick up, she sighed before leaving him a message.

“Rafa, I know you’re mad at me, but Noah is upset and he’s asking for you. You promised to read him a story and he thinks that night is tonight. I’m not sure where you are, but if you could at least call me back to say goodnight to Noah, I think he would like that.”

* * *

Seeing her friend’s frown as he listened to the message Olivia had left, Rita didn’t bother to hide her concern. “Everything okay?”

“Noah is asking for me,” Rafael answered, sounding surprised.

“How many late nights have you spent at her place lately?”

Rafael stood, setting his glass of scotch on his desk before standing and picking up his suit jacket. “A lot.”

Rita watched him put his laptop a few files in his briefcase before picking it up off of the chair he’d set it in. “Where are you going?”

Rafael sighed and shrugged. “To Liv’s. She and I might not be in a great place right now, but I’m not going to let Noah think I would make him suffer because of it.”

“Okay. I’ll walk out with you.”

* * *

Almost twenty minutes after she had left Rafael a message, Olivia was surprised to hear a knock on her door. Noah was calmer now, but still clung tightly to her, meaning she had to answer the door with him in her arms.

“Rafa,” she said in surprise.

Before either adult could say anything else, Noah started to wiggle in Olivia’s arms, reaching for Rafael. “Rafa,” he said tearfully.

Rafael shared a quick look with Olivia before taking the boy into his arms and holding him close. “Shh, _amigo_ , it’s okay,” he soothed as Olivia stepped aside to let him in, closing the door behind him.

Noah laid his head on Rafael’s shoulder, clutching his stuffed elephant close to him.

“Is it okay if I read him a story?” Rafael asked Olivia. “Then we can talk.”

“Sure,” Olivia replied, pressing a kiss to Noah’s head and bidding him goodnight before Rafael walked with him to his room.

* * *

After Noah was asleep, Rafael walked back out to the living room, where Olivia was waiting for him on the couch.

“Thank you for coming over,” she said softly as he took a seat next to her.

“I didn’t want Noah to be affected by our argument. He told me that he loves me.”

Olivia smiled a little. “Pretty sure you’re his hero, Rafa.”

“I’m not sure why,” Rafael replied, shaking his head as he shrugged.

“Despite what you might want the world to think, you are a _good man_ , Rafael. Noah is a perceptive little boy. He knows that you help me and you help him. You’ve always been there for him. For me, too. You’re my best friend, Rafa. I don’t want to argue with you. Squabble, sure, argue, no.”

“Liv, I’m sorry, but I can’t watch you be with Tucker. I will still be here for Noah if he needs me, I promise, but I don’t think I’ll be able to be around much. The fact that you felt you had to hide your…relationship…with Tucker, it hurt. It hurts to watch you with him. I feel rather childish saying that, but it’s true. I’m going to talk to McCoy about a transfer.”

“What? No,” Olivia said, tears pooling in her eyes. “Please don’t leave.”

Rafael shook his head. “I’m sorry. I want to be a supportive friend, but I need some space.”

“Please don’t leave. I’m sorry. I was just scared and Ed was interested and it was convenient and it was stupid, but it’s over and I’m _so sorry_.”

“What do you want from me, Olivia?”

“I just want _you_ , Rafa. I have for a while; I was just scared because I _can’t lose you_. You’re my best friend, my rock, my _partner_. You’ve always been there for me. You make me laugh and you watch stupid movies with me because I ask you to. You’re the best man I know and all I want, all I’ve wanted for a while, is to be with you; for you to stay late because we’re spending time together rather than doing case prep. I want to keep you by my side for the rest of our lives. I love you and I should have told you that a long time ago…”

Rafael pulled her into his arms and held her close, smiling a little when he felt her wrap her arms tightly around his waist. “I love you, too.”

“What about Noah?”

Rafael relaxed against the cushions, taking Olivia with him and rubbing a hand up and down her back. “I love him, too. I’ve never been great with kids, but he decided he liked me and wanted to spend time with me.”

“I think it was the fact that you _tried_. Even if you aren’t exactly sure how to handle something, you _try_ , Rafa, and that means a lot. Especially to a little boy who didn’t have a lot of love early on in his life.”

“I think maybe his mom’s faith in my ability to bond with him helped a bit, too.”

Olivia smiled, cuddling closer to him. “Noah’s sleeping. You don’t need his permission to kiss me.”

Rafael chuckled and then tilted her face up to him before pressing his lips to hers.

“So I take it I’m _not_ transferring?” he asked when they broke apart a few moments later.

“Absolutely not,” Olivia answered, tightening her arms around him. “Well, I guess not unless McCoy makes you.”

“I’ll convince him to let me stay. If he tries to tell me I can’t, I’ll just get Rita to dig up some dirt on him.”

Olivia laughed. “Somehow, I don’t doubt that she _could_.”

“You have _no_ idea, Livia. She can be kind of scary sometimes.”

“I’ll protect you.”

Rafael chuckled, tightening his arms around her. “She has good ideas sometimes, too, though. She thinks McCoy should make me the Executive ADA.”

“She’s right. He should. But we can talk about that later,” Olivia replied, giving him another kiss before untangling herself from him and standing, holding out her hand to him. “I have other plans for you first.”

Rafael smiled as he took her hand and stood, following her down the hall to her room. “Oh, really?”

“Yes. They start with us making out in my _much more_ comfortable than the couch bed and end with you making pancakes in the morning.”

“I like the sound of those plans.”

“I was hoping you would.”

* * *

The next morning, Rafael walked into Noah’s room and found the little boy still sleeping soundly in his bed, his stuffed elephant clutched tightly in his arms.

“Wake up, _mijo_ ,” he said softly, running a hand through the little boy’s hair.

Noah blinked a few times to clear his vision and then launched himself at Rafael.

“Rafa!” he said excitedly.

Rafael hugged him tightly before standing and settling him on his hip. “I could hear your stomach grumbling all the way in the kitchen.”

Noah giggled, laying his head on Rafael’s shoulder. “Hungry, Rafa.”

Rafael pressed a kiss to his forehead. “Good thing I already made the pancakes, then, huh, _mijo_?”

“Pancakes?” Noah repeated, lifting his head to look at Rafael.

“Pancakes. Come on; let’s go get them before your mami eats them all.”

Noah giggled again. He wasn’t exactly sure why Rafael was here so early, but he didn’t really care. He had his two favorite people with him _and_ he was getting pancakes.


End file.
